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There
are several models of the stages of grief.
One is by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
— and her stages (in
order) are denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance. There
are other models — including more stages;
and incorporating shock and disbelief, guilt,
and reflection. However,
the actual grieving can be divided into
4 general stages.
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4 Stages of Grieving
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1.
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Anticipatory
grief |
— facing a death or critical loss
(of self or other —
and usually includes at least Elizabeth
Kubler-Ross' 5 stages) |
| 2. |
Immediate/shock
grief |
—
at the moment of death; which may include
numbness, denial, or an unexpected sense
of calm [Note:
a sense of shock can take over even
if the death was expected, as there
is a sudden shift from 'anticipated'
to 'real'.] |
| 3. |
Disorganizational,
complicated or
delayed grief |
—
in the first couple of weeks or months
(although if unresolved,
may last years); which may include
anger, questions re 'why', depression,
fatigue or over-busyness, but generally
indicates that one's life has become
disorganized due to the loss —
or one might overly-organize it to avoid
thinking about the death, and/or to
maintain denial |
| 4. |
Transformational
grief |
—
long-term, where the sense of loss continues;
but one gradually rebuilds a sense of
their world without their dead loved
one or building a new relationship/meaning
of the relationship, a sense of acceptance
of the death, and hope for one's own
continued life |
All
of these stages are normal, and need to
be processed through in order to grieve
in a healthy way, maintain a positive memory
of the deceased, and rebuild one's own world
without them. [Note:
a simple and humourous approach to grief
Ask
a Moritican — Grief Talk.
See also The
Mourner's Bill of Rights.
and CINDEA
's Resources—Media
section on
Bereavement.]
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Modern
North American Models of Death
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North
American culture doesn't really have
any grief/mourning rites, unless one's
family has brought them from another
culture. And especially
as cremation becomes more popular
(see Wikipedia
article on statistics),
what rituals we did have are being
eroded. Most North Americans
expect the body to be removed from
the home/hospital/hospice within the
first hour or two after death.
Visitation of the body, at a funeral
home, can cost more than $200. Open-casket
funerals, and even graveside burial
rites, have become less common. As
a result, the family and friends may
not have any opportunity to say 'good-bye'
to their loved one 'in the flesh'
(i.e. as they remember
them). Memorial
services now tend to be called 'celebrations
of life': while story-telling and
humour are valid parts of honouring
a life that has passed, they may not
offer much opportunity for true grieving.
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Our
modern culture is doing away with important
grief rituals-one by one.
Funerals and memorials have helped the
bereaved over the centuries to start
healthy, healing grief. But
families today who want to avoid the
messy pain and turmoil of grief and
who think of rituals that facilitate
mourning as a waste of time are opting
for ceremonies stripped of all uncomfortable
rituals from the past or for no services
at all.
Grief rituals serve two important purposes.
First, these ceremonies
give mourners the opportunity to accept
the death and to say goodbye publicly
with the support of family and friends.
Second, these traditional
grief ceremonies produce a physical,
mental, emotional, and spiritual atmosphere
that facilitates the start of the grief
process in healthy ways.
Eliminating these important rituals
can create situations where individuals
and families can develop habits that
suppress or complicate the grief emotions
they need to acknowledge and express.
At best this will cause
the grief process to be slowed, at worst
mourners' may become "stuck"
in their complicated grief having potential
risks negatively affect their life performance,
relationships, careers and overall well-being.
What should be considered in a grieving
ritual or ceremony of remembrance? Do
what best fits your needs to express
your personal grief experience. (from
"Giving
Up Grief Rituals Dangerous Trend",
includes a long list of 'grievers' right'
from "Love Never Dies: Embracing
Grief with Hope and Promise"
by Larry M. Barber) |
Another
result of modern practices is that families
and friends may not have the opportunity
to deeply grieve together. As
a consequence, they may feel awkward sharing
their grieving process — not wanting
to trigger another family member's grief;
or feeling that their grief is wholly unique,
when it may not be. They
may end up feeling isolated in their bereavement
— not only from friends, but other
family members. This often leads
to depression and/or an unresolved stage
3 (above), to the
point where professional help is required
to rebuild their lives. [Note:
we tend to speak of 'returning to normal'
—
there is no such thing for a major loss;
so what we are seeking are ways of transforming
our lives: Thomas Attig's book "How
We Grieve: Relearning the World"
is particularly helpful.]
Having
support to grieve throughout the pan-death
process can avoid the worst parts of stage
3, release the immediate depth of mourning,
and allow for a healthy transformation.
Grief rites can be held before,
during and after the death, but are usually
most meaningful within the funeral and memorial
services. [Note:
when both a funeral and memorial or wake
are chosen, the funeral is usually an intimate
ceremony, including family and closest friends;
the memorial or wake is usually open to
the public or an extended list of guests.]
The spreading of ashes (if
cremation is chosen) is also a critical
time to express grief in a evocative and
expressive ceremony. The first
anniversary of the death is usually a very
difficult time, when the initial depth of
grief may rise to the surface again: therefore,
it can be very helpful to plan a ceremony
a year after the death. The
practitioner of death midwifery — whether
the original Funeral Celebrant or not —
will know what the funeral and/or memorial
ceremony was, and be able to help the family
explore a ceremony that is consistent with
it, while addressing the reality of the
year gone by.
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Grieving
and what Journeying Beyond can offer
Anticipatory
Grief —
The fact that a Practitioner of Death Midwifery
begins working with the Death Journeyer
and their family/friends before the active
dying stage means that they can support
them as they process through the pain of
anticipatory grief when and as it happens.
They also help arrange
visitation and facilitate what is said —
i.e. interrupt statements that only cause
unnecessary pain [Note:
First Memorial Funeral Home has a great
page on Funeral
Etiquette - particularly see
"WHAT NOT TO SAY, WHAT NOT TO DO"
and "INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS".]
The whole family
might choose to have a 'celebration of life'
before the death, so that the Death Journeyer
can be present and know that their life
is honoured. The Pan-death
Guide might also advocate for the Death
Journeyer/family in accessing hospice or
other anticipatory grief services.
Immediate/Shock
Grief
— Other cultures and ancient traditions
saw the washing and dressing of the body
as the final offer of love and respect.
Despite the taboo that has developed
in our culture about handling dead bodies,
most people who have done it find that it
deepens the process of their grieving —
feeling that they have done the last/best
they could for their loved one, and avoiding
the guilt of feeling that they might not
have. And at the simplest level,
it gives the family and/or close friends
something to do (and to do
together) until the shock wears off;
and before more practical things (like
legal paperwork, obituary, or finalizing
the funeral) need to be done. At-home
post-death care also allows the family/friends
to personalize the care of the body; and
in doing so, deeply touch the meaning of
the personalization within their own grief
— both individual and shared. The
Pan-death Guide would help them explore
what post-death care they wish to do, and
the personal supplies that would need to
be collected before the death; and then
guide them in caring for the body in the
safest and most respectful way (whatever
that means to them or the Death Journeyer
and/or their traditions).
Disorganizational,
complicated or delayed grief
— One would hope that if meaningful
traditions (old or new)
are followed, this stage would be relatively
short. However, remembering
that this stage is normal, the pan-death
guide can help the family get through the
immediate tasks to be done
(legal paperwork, obituary, or funeral/memorial);
and then check in regularly with those closest
to the Death Journeyer for a couple of months
and support their grieving process —
in part to advocate for them, if they need
to access professional grief counsellor
services.
| Transformational
grief — Transforming
one's life to the absence of a loved
one is very personal: everyone will
do it differently, and take a different
amount of time. The Pan-death
Guide can help the family decide what
to do with the ashes, and develop a
ceremony to do so — whether dividing
them between significant family and
friends, and/or jointly spreading them
in a significant place.
Having developed a relationship with
the family and closest friends during
the pan-death process, they also have
some idea of what would be meaningful
in a 'first anniversary' of the death
ceremony; and help the family develop
one that |
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a)
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acknowledges
the absence of their loved one (many
people worry that —
in our busy world —
they will end up forgetting their loved
one, and so hold on to persistent memories
longer than is healthy); and
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| b) |
sharing
both the remaining grief AND how each
person's life has been transformed —
often in ways that are directly connected
to their dead loved one, and totally
unexpected! |
Please
also see Journeying
Beyond 's pages on Death
Midwifery and Funeral
Celebrant.
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